The Jewish Value I Thought I Had — and Why Freedom vs Agency Changed Everything

Every year at the Passover seder, I found myself drawn to the same part of the story. I cannot stand the plagues and think they are the weirdest part of the story. And the parting of the sea seems so far-fetched to me. It was the quest for freedom that has always spoken to me. The fact that the Israelites quickly moved to leave the chains of slavery. 

As long as we have existed, Jewish people have been told what to do, where they can go, and who they can be. As slaves in Egypt, every decision was made for them. In the ghettos of Europe, they were told which merchants they could do business with. In America, they were told which country clubs they could join.

Like most Jewish people, I don’t like that. I don’t see any difference between my Christian friends and me. We are all children of one G-d.

So for most of my life, I believed freedom was one of the most important Jewish values I carry.

I was wrong.

The Problem With the Wrong Word

Here is what I thought freedom looked like: wind in my hair, laughing and beaming. No obligations, no responsibilities, ability to get whatever I want with no money worries. No one is telling me what to do. Pure, uncomplicated freedom.

It is a beautiful picture. It is also not what I actually want.

When I finally did the deeper work of examining my values, I discovered something that surprised me. The word underneath freedom, the one that actually fit, was agency.

This is the heart of the freedom vs agency distinction — and it changed everything for me.

Agency is not the same thing as freedom. Freedom is the fantasy of no constraints. Agency is the power to choose within the life you actually have. It means you are the person who is making your decisions. You are the author of your life. It means your life is not happening to you. You are crafting your life.

That distinction changed everything for me.

We Are Walking Around With the Wrong Words

I am not alone in this. Most of us inherit our Jewish values, and our values vocabulary comes from family, culture, and tradition without ever stopping to ask whether the words actually fit. We say we want happiness when we mean connection. We say we want success when we mean respect. We say we want freedom when we mean something quieter and more powerful than that.

Brené Brown’s research found that most people can name about three emotions. Three, out of 87 distinct emotional experiences. We are walking around with a tiny vocabulary for the most important interior experiences we have. The same is true for values. The gap between the word we are using and the truth underneath it is often where we get lost.

When the word is wrong, you keep chasing something that never quite arrives. You wonder why you still feel off even when things look fine from the outside. The map does not match the territory.

What Happens When You Get It Right

When I named my key value, agency, and released the word freedom — something shifted. I stopped chasing a feeling and started building a life oriented around something real. Agency means I get to choose. It does not mean I have no responsibilities because I want responsibility. It means I am not waiting for someone to release me. I am already in charge.

The Israelites wandering through the desert were not just looking for a place to be free. They were learning, slowly and painfully, how to govern themselves. How to make decisions. How to be a people with agency. The desert was not the price of freedom. It was the practice of it.

That reframe matters to me deeply.

Your Turn

You do not need a Passover moment to do this work. You just need to slow down long enough to ask: is the word I have been using actually true? Does it fit what I feel? Does it fit what I value?

Sometimes the thing that has been making you feel off is not a missing experience. It is a missing word.

What is a value or feeling you have been carrying for years that might deserve a second look?

Chag Pesach Sameach.